Lost Love

Meet me tonight by the pot plant,

I'll be wearing my freak fuzzy hair,

don't worry 'bout clothes and powdering your nose,

I'm young and I haven't a care.


Meet me tonight in the disco,

the group will be wearing string vests,

it's turned on, it's alive, it's a real dreamy dive,

I'm young and I couldn't care less.


Meet me tonight by the 'Ganges',

the curry and chips are just fine,

with the light way down low, you'll love it I know,

I'm young - I'll have ketchup on mine.


Meet me tonight at the gasworks,

It's smelly but roomy for two.

When old Big Ben strikes, I'll light up me pipe,

We're young and I haven't a clue.


Meet me tonight by the 'labour',

I'm broke, and they gave me the sack,

I've gone home to ma but wherever you are-

can I have all my pipe-cleaners back?


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved



Ballad of a Boil

I'm a lonely old boil,on somebody's bum,

I wish I could be higher up, on his tum.

It's so dark down here, with nothing to see,

with no one to talk to, except poor old me.

At night things are worse, so still and so dark,

I'd love to get out, dance around, have a lark.

So I wait for the morning, that familiar hum,

when I revel in soap suds that cover this bum!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


I really should not tell you this,

but did you know, that Rod left Cis?

I know it all sounds, quite unfair,

I only wish, I had been there.

Of course, I saw it coming too,

although, most folk, hadn't a clue,

the two of them, were so mismatched,

she always seemed a bit 'unlatched'.

That face-lift Dot had, didn't work,

her husband must feel, such a berk,

she frightens me, each time she smiles,

I swear, it's worse than having piles.

I heard that Fran is moving house,

she's left that Peter, such a louse,

he hardly took her, anywhere,

and never changed his underwear.

Have you seen poor, dear Lesley yet?

I heard she walked out, on that vet,

I couldn't see it lasting long,

some partnerships, are totally wrong.

Well, do you know, is that the time?

It so speeds by, it's such a crime,

I'll catch you, the same place, next week?

There's never enough time to speak!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


Catty Crowd

Picture three cats purring over their dinner,

one fat, one skinny and one even thinner,

one scratches,one stretches,the other just yawns,

preparing to take a quiet stroll on the lawns.


In comes snuffy dog, bags under his eyes,

his presence is greeted with unwelcome sighs,

'Smelly old dog, go bury a bone,

go sniff round a lampost, go on, get on home'.


Picture three cats having afternoon tea,

one scowling, one hissing, one scatching a flea,

silently scheming, asleep in the sun,

one fat, one skinny, and the  much  thinner one.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Fish Face

I did not ask for a face like this,

now how can anyone want to kiss

this squashy blob, that is my mouth,

and all things pointing north and south,

I get the most questioning looks,

other fish, scatter away to nooks,

to avoid this thing that's called a face,

it make me feel so out of place,

I try so hard to look appealing,

but I seem to send other fish reeling,

it's so unfair being stuck with this mug,

that lends itself to a toby jug,

is there anyone down here who will see,

my face is just a small part of me.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Forbidden Swimmer

They said I shouldn't go swimming,

but they'd only call me a wimp,

if I stay too long in the shallows,

I'll be like a wrinkled shrimp.

So here goes nothing buddies,

for my buddies they will be,

if I show them I can really swim,

there'll be pats' on the back for me!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Galloping Gormless (Muppets)

There is usually a stone or a fly in the soup,

tea tastes like it has been poured from a boot,

I think I am gradually going insane,

I will never try eating this rice pud again.

The tomatoes are green, (so is my face),

I'd force down an egg but there is no more space,

the bear has got mumps and the frog has got flu,

I think that for dinner we are having mud stew.

Meat tastes like rubber, the peas are not peas,

the pepper looks more like those performing fleas.

Milk has boiled over, kippers smell off,

pickled jam tart is making me cough.

Cream has turned sour, (was it fresh last week?)

The cheese does not please and we've just sprung a leak,

water has ruined my new non-stick pan,

the flan that you cooked looks like burnt marzipan.

Brandy snaps snapped, mixing bowl broke,

this treacle sandwich could kill at one stroke,

you tossed up a pancake but on the way down,

it smashed though the pan and broke on the ground.

I've shattered my teeth on a piece of 'sponge cake',

I'm worried that you will find others to bake,

so with bear boiling up and frog on the grill,

I hear a pig voice screaming loud and shrill.

I think that froggie is starting to melt,

never a horrid stink I have never smelt,

so now from this day I will never look back,

as for you 'chef' you are getting the sack!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved




Vee come from far Girafferblad,

to teach you how vee dance,

as you can see vee move real good,

vee leave nothing to chance,

the veather here is very cold,

but not as cold as home,

next veek vee are appearing

at the colliseum Rome!




© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Hairy Patter-(the other three!)

You've heard of Harry Potter,

well, we're are the other three,

they bring us out at playtime,

when the others go to tea,

nobody recognises,

nobody wants to know,

we hide behind disguises,

until it's time to go,

so if you ever see us,

don't ask for autographs,

we're not here for the money,

we're playing it for laughs.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Whoops, Forbidden Territory

Mum warned me to never go into this room,

she only comes in here to hang up her broom,

but the window was open and the door it did slam,

and now I can't move I'm as trapped as a clam.


She's gone to the shops and I'm all on my own,

it could take forever until she gets home,

I've eaten  the last bit of my  curly-wurly,

I'll be deep in the s--t if my dad gets home early.


I guess I will just have to sit here and wait,

maybe mine won't be a terrible fate,

deep in my bladder there is nagging pain,

I'll be needing to pee in that bucket again!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Soft Landing

I landed on this toadstool,

I thought that it would break,

I'm from the fairy pre-school

and boy does my head ache!

I kind of lost direction,

I didn't have a map,

I'm hoping someone finds,

me and pops me in their lap!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


Mistaken Identity

What am I doing up here on this ugly podium?

I didn't think I'd win it but I have a pushy mum,

they're shouting 'Miss America I want your autograph'

I think this is some kind of joke I'm trying not to laugh.


Do I want to save the world or start a business project,

or design floating boutiques with a hunky architect,

wander round the globe distribute money to the masses,

talk on the environment and all those greenhouse gases?


I really want to stand down as this Miss America,

and by the way my name is Katie-Jean not Erica,

so please remove this heavy garish crown upon my head,

give it to someone gullible like Erica instead!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Faeryn's Friend

Princess Faeryn has a friend,

no, he isn't make pretend,

always helping hands to lend,

Princess Faeryn's friend.


Faery's friend is called Fat Elf,

home is high up on a shelf,

never thinks about himself,

Princess Faeryn's friend.


Now and then he comes to call,

draws weird pictures on the wall,

even though he's very small,

Princess Faeryn's friend.


Fat Elf always has a smile,

telling jokes that last a mile,

keeping happy all the while,

Princess Faeryn's friend.


Nightime, Fat Elf has a peep,

at his Princess fast asleep,

blows a kiss and then goes 'BEEP!'

Princess Faeryn's friend.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Obsessive Gardener

I see him each day lying flat on the ground,

snip snipping his scissors not making a sound,

he must be insane or have nothing to do,

just why he continues I have not a clue.


His wife must be blind to his stupid antics,

she's either on coke or some other such fix,

he's there every evening inspecting his trees,

then come the next morning he's back on his knees.


One day

men in white coats will take him away,

you don't realise how hard that I pray,

this incessant snipping at each tiny blade,

one day I will whack him with my garden spade.


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved



Cannot tell you how I found them,

in the forest they were hatched,

people don't believe my story,

say that I've become unlatched.


Now they want me for their mummy,

such a wish I can't refuse,

so I took them home and hid them,

underneath the Daily News.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Monkeying Around

Two monkey's sitting high in a tree,

one of them you, the other is me,

staying together,as close as can be,

enjoying each other's good company.


No one can see us, up in our tree,

eating our breakfast, our lunch and our tea,

smiling and laughing, bubbling with glee,

one of them you, the other is me.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


I found him underneath a pot,

what was he doing?-Not a lot,

I think he must have lost his way,

now on my fingers he will stay,

he tried to blow a puff of smoke,

but when he did I heard him choke,

I worry where his mum could be,

not knowing that he's up and free,

he seems to be a jolly chap,

whoops now he's landed in my lap!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


I go to 'Curves' three times a week and it is so much fun,

my body was just like a pud' until I lost a *ton,

the gym is just for womenfolk and we get on real fine,

the music pounds while we work out and move on down the line.


A guy came to the gym one day and asked if he could join,

the girls thought him a tasty hunk-I just looked at his groin,

alas the boss turned him away, he went without a sound,

he could have taken centre stage and we'd have worked around!


It's great to see my feet again just like a dream come true,

doing all these twists and jumps I never thought I'd do,

there's more room in the shower and it is a splendid joy,

my bottom used to bang the door it really did anoy!


I've made so many friends at Curves no finer crowd I've met,

with Brenda on the hoola hoop I haven't beaten yet,

there's Monica and Kathy not forgetting Ginny too,

with Janine,Tasha,Sue and Chris,two Jaynie's top the crew.


My flabby bits have flown away my legs are getting thin,

and if you know a drummer I've got plenty of loose skin,

I should have done this years ago it has so changed my life,

far better lose fat naturally than go under the knife!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Kamikaze from Benghazi

Let me introduce myself my name is Kamikaze,

my home is in a distant land somewhere outside Benghazi,

proficient in dive bombing food and other tasy things,

you see just why when you behold the beauty of my wings,

some people try to swat me when I start to eat their food,

but with my agile body I become deadly shrewd,

so if you  see me buzzing round  your dish of irish stew,

remember that it might be me or some old fly from Crewe.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Unlikely friend

There lived a little Fuzzy-Peg so very round and small,

his eyes were all a-twinkly when he rolled into a ball,

his nose is long and pinky and he loves to sniff around,

you'll never see him slacking or a-grovelling on the ground,

although hedgehogs are prickly I can say we get along,

we spend much time together and it's great just to belong.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Out of Tune

So many hours I have sat,

listening to this wailing cat,

who thinks perchance that she can sing,

her vocal chords have taken wing.


My ears have been assaulted so,

I pray that soon away she'll go,

back to her books and needlework,

where she can drive others beserk.


For days I've prayed for this to cease,

oh how I wish to seek true peace,

her father thinks she has a charm,

but vocals such as hers disarm.


Pray send me back to way before,

I'd rather die on some far shore,

than sit beside this screaming thing,

who makes my ears rattle and ring.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Web Wobbler

I met him on the internet,

well what you see is what you get,

oh how could I have been so wrong,

to end up with this bald King Kong.


His picture looked just fine to me,

nothing amiss as I could see,

so we agreed to have a meet,

he really did sound rather sweet.


The restaurant was small and chic,

we both established we liked Greek,

he said he'd wear a big red rose,

as it turned out I do like those.


But when he entered through the door,

I felt my face drop to the floor,

at six foot high and six foot wide,

there was not much he could not hide.


I headed for the powder room,

the mirror reflecting my gloom,

I ripped the rose from my lapel,

and with that gone he'd never tell.


So with aplomb I sauntered past,

this nightmare man with bod' so vast,

only to hear the waiter say

'I fear your date has flown away'!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


Stupid bear won't talk to me,

won't tell me where she is,

up and left me yesterday,

ached to be in showbiz.


I told her it was crazy,

another hair-brained scheme,

come on teddy, spill the beans,

we'd make such a great team.





© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

I'm Not a Waitress

Children tugging apron strings,

in the background kettle sings,

eggs are boiling in the pan,

doorbell rings it's the postman.


Baby yelling for his egg,

tripping on the table leg,

husband looking for his tea,

one cup short where can it be?


Backwards forwards inside out,

restless children's hungry shout,

from the burner to the sink,

baby screaming for a drink.


Missing knives not enough forks,

baby nibbling on the chalks,

toast and eggs are served in haste,

not a moment more to waste.


Table looks like world war three,

wipe it clean in time for tea,

missed your breakfast once again,

maybe coffee break at ten?



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Squeaky Wings

So I said to this guy 'The wings just don't work'

and he looked at me funny like I was a jerk,

'they're top of the range came in yesterday',

but at 100 bucks I was loathe to pay,

he gave me a look which to me said 'get lost'

so I took back my money, I felt double crossed,

a mate recommended I squirt them with oil,

they work pretty well though the smell tends to spoil,

finish your drink and I'll give you a race,

you can forfeit your wings if you don't make home base.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Septimus Poop

Septimus Poop

Escaped the loop

Last in the group

Let his flowers droop

Died of the Roup.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Erata Grant

Errata Grant

Murdered her aunt

Walked with a slant

Never said can't

Now is a plant



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Before and After (new dad Kerr)

Though you say you'll never submit,

believe it mate for this is it,

no more quiet night's sweet repose,

before was 'us' after it's 'those'.


Up with the bottle crack of dawn,

you were the same when you were born,

shoving down fast that breakfast corn,

trying to stop a stubborn yawn.


I hear you say that you refuse

to be a partner to the news?

You really should be quite content,

to wonder where the talcum went.


So how on earth are you to cope,

when baby starts to eat the soap?

Nightmares of washboard between legs,

baby's face turning shades of reds.


Huge piles of nappies at your feet,

how do you sterilize that teet?

Out with the bottle once again,

you'll stay like that from eight 'til ten.


On the shoulder the little mite,

pat and -whoops-the nappy was white,

yes mate you've done it, have a gum,

you've now been christened 'Daddy-mum'.


But hey these thoughts have just begun,

you've still got all this joy to come!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Marshmallow Heaven

What is my secret fantasy?

It's simple as the ABC,

to fill my bath up to the top,

with sweet marshmallows, I will drop

or rather slide dreamily down,

surrounded by an eiderdown

of sugared bliss and cushioned fluff,

one thousand would not be enough

to cover this audacious bod',

but did I mention on my todd?



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


There's something out there watching me,

his eyes are everywhere won't let me be,

last night as I was soaking in my bath,

I thought I heard a weird gurgling laugh.


Each night when I am coming home from work,

check out the bushes where it might lurk,

I hear starnge noises beneath the bed,

I think it's out there playing with my head.


I thought I saw it in a dream I had,

it's body big and blue, face very mad,

hypnotic eyes,that tried to take my brain,

awoke to find a shattered windowpane.


It seems to come and go whatever suits,

eaten my goldfish and three baby newts,

I wonder if I am the next to go,

maybe tonight it will not show...



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Intrepid Three (The Goons)

Brave Neddy Seagoon was his name, a title very apt,

that people would come from afar their faces much enrapt.

A true explorer of the seas no stranger to the brine,

who lasted weeks on 'bubbled squeak' and fishy flavoured wine.


Two comrades he did take with him to scan the foamy seas,

a Major Dennis Bloodnok who was bald around the knees.

A fighter of the jungle he had killed many a foe,

explored the Hidden Caves of Doom where others feared to go.


The third brave soul unrivalled in his knowledge of the globe,

his courage unsurpassed, he bore a freckle on his lobe.

A voice profound and pondering would stifle any heckles,

but many hearts have skipped a beat the moment they hear 'Eccles'!


And so these three intrepid men risked life and limb all told,

to seek the Secret Tomb of Poo and bring home jewels and gold.

This venture was to be their last each one involving slaughter,

they'd lost cabin boy Bluebottle he'd 'fallen in the water'!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


They couldn't find a tree (they must be pretty thick)

such squabbling all the week they do get on my wick!

You'd think that they could find somewhere to hang their balls,

that's when I realised true duty really calls.


So here I sit each day while people ogle me,

because I don't resemble a bloomin' Christmas tree!

I guess it could be worse I could be in the snow

so here I am decked out with all my balls aglow.


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


I meet him at the cafe every week

we talk of this and that and share a coke,

sometimes he disappears to take a leek

it happens just before he tells a joke.


It seems he's lost his job down at the vets

became obsessed with the receptionist,

a leggy blond they call Jemima Getz

he really thought he was top of her list.


The trouble with this chump is plain to see

he always clings to things he cannot woo,

poor Jem' would find him hanging on her knee

not easy when you need to use the ' loo'.


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Have You Seen......?

Have you seen my splooble I had it yesterday ?

It slid into my handbag and vanished clean away,

I tipped out all the contents so sure it would be there,

but all I found was something pink with just a single hair.


A splooble is a squidgy thing that cheers me up no end,

I take it with me everywhere a true devoted friend,

whenever I am feeling blue and things are going wrong,

I give my 'sploob' a massive squeeze and then it sings a song.


I really miss my splooble the days are just not right,

because I need my splooble to cuddle me at night,

it worries me immensely to think where it could go,

inside another handbag on a plane to Tokayo!!!?????


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Late Arrival (Pumpkin Baby)

I arrived late for Halloween nobody seemed to notice,

except my friend the Pumpkin Bird and good old Dr.Otis,

I thought that I would be in time to see the trick or treat,

as luck would have it lost my way, despatched to the wrong street,

so sorry folks my late arrival is beyond the pale,

but this is what you get when you rely on Royal Mail!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


'Gobbled' Choc

I am a chocolate turkey they make me every year,

I sit in the shop window and quake with utter fear,

because I am so tasty I very soon will be,

wrapped up as someone's present a dessert instead of tea.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved



How doth the wobbly pimple languish deep within the brow

that looks all sweet and simple but feels heavy as a cow,

in comfort and seclusion it abides acquiring weight

inducing it's recipient to get into a state,

to try and squeeze this wretched thing would cause a soul to wince (someone I know used anti-freeze we've n'er heard from him since)

how ugly and disgusting this infernal blemish is

that causes such discomfort turning life into a fizz,

explosives are a good idea (this growth you must erase)

unfortunately the result is more than losing face,

a simple 'pimpleotomy' would seem the wisest thing

your head goes in the microwave and everything goes ping,

the dreaded 'knife job' would induce infections further still

forget about the tubes of cream and antiseptic pill,

to wait it out with patience I advise without a doubt

maybe a steaming cup of tea will tempt the bugger out?


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Lone Voyager

He gallivants in outer space,

deep concentration on his face,

perusing all he passes by,

oiling the springs which help him fly,

he really is a splendid man,

who guides his spaceship with elan,

a fearless sort with courage great

whose motto is 'Don't Hesitate'.


He cruises here and everywhere,

and many people stop and stare

to marvel at his weird machine,

the like of which I've never seen,

he dodges alien meteorites,

and wears the most amazing tights

that keep him nice and warm in bed,

while planning routes inside his head.


I saw him up there yesterday,

he shouted out then fizzed away,

a puff of dust in outer space,

and still I find it hard to trace

this fearless gent ,who roams the void,

a journey that must be enjoyed,

maybe tonight if skies are clear

I'll get him down to share a beer!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Duck-Head (Drunk Duck)

He didn't mean to drink that much

it's just he felt so down,

so tired of knowing glances,

being pushed from town to town,

he's never been the type of guy

to head right for the bar,

before you could say quack-quack

down he slipped, a bit too far.


She never meant that much to him

or so he told his heart,

but deep inside this duck-head

knew he loved her from the start,

her waddle sent him in a spin

her beak was strawberry cream,

she swam into his dismal life

like something from a dream.


I guess I wasn't too surprised

to see him sitting here,

each glass drained of martini,

then he started on the beer,

I hate to see him in this way

so low and out of luck,

this truly is one alchoholic ,melancholic duck!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Swift Half

'Let's go out for a drink' we said

so up the garden path were led

into the pub and landlord Ned

just for the swiftest half.


'Let's have a game of darts' I thought,

and yet another round was bought,

and I believe I downed a short,

a giggle and a laugh.


'It's time to do the quiz' we joked,

on every question coughed and choked,

a finger in my back was poked,

Fred dribbled down my scarf.


'Another round?' was the reply

raise up the glass, 'mud in your eye'

was that Fred's hand upon my thigh

or was it on my calf?


Yep, Fred was crawling on the floor,

we pointed him towards the door,

but not before we had two more

a 'special' on the staff.


'Let's get on home' I heard me say

'before Fred leads us all astray

we'll be back later on today

just for the swiftest half!




© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


Cad (Blackadder)

Before you stands a 'jack the lad',

well thought out plans are just a tad

too stupid, for this joker mad,

keep well out of his way.


Such eyes convey a secret ploy

to toy with feelings and annoy,

a friendship that will bring no joy,

so close your eyes and pray.


His 'cunning plans' upset faint hearts,

as subtle as a rhino's farts,

has only time for common tarts,

in his path do not stray.


A cheating soul his end to gain

will cause you sorrow and much pain,

deceitful ruffian and a swain,

keep well out of his way.


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


I am the cuddliest of bears

who's often left on floors and stairs,

sometimes I go off on my own

it's rare I'm ever left alone.


I love to watch the children play

a lovely way to pass the day,

and when they all go up to bed

I listen to each story read.


My friends are more than I can count

and many laps I'd love to mount,

I'm neither proud or too aloof

and by the way my name is Spoof!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

With faded map and not a clue they dug

to find a twisted spoon and broken mug,

to warnings of this venture they were blind

no single grain of silver did they find.


No diamond sparkled tempting in the sun

no pot of gold or ruby ring, not one,

six tons of earth to shift and still no sign

no hope of any voice to shout 'It's mine!'


This futile scam would only end in tears

and place upon them hurtful yawning years,

what to be done to stop this wasted time

of blistered hands stained with wet mud and lime?


So we all watched a-tremble and aghast

as spades were pummelled into land so vast,

with just a scrap of hope to stake the prize

and put to sleep four searching crazy eyes.


Old treasure maps are just a stupid ploy

to cause unrest and neighbours to annoy,

like moles on heat the spades became red hot

until the faded map became forgot.


No treasure found, the silly fools - a trick,

surrounded by old rope and bits of brick

downed tools and so toward the pub did go

where beery brows would raise a wink and know.


Old treasure maps are selling for a quid

you get them up the road from 'Uncle Sid',

but don't tell Fred and Ollie that of course

just let them sit and stew in their own sauce.


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


Mary Jane Mary Jane, let me make this quite plain

why is it you drive all around you insane?

Your sisters all seem to give you a wide berth

maybe it's because of your gluttonous girth?


Mary Jane Mary Jane, you've been at it again

you deafen your friends when you laugh like a drain,

the men in white coats will soon take you away

before you can cause any further affray.


Mary Jane Mary Jane, please let go of my hand

because all you touch turns to stone or to sand,

I do sympathise with your poor cursed persona

we really do think you'd be better alona!!!!!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Googie (The Pirouetting pig)

'Googie' would boogie with all of the gals

growing and knowing like lots of her pals,

up on tiptoe just like all the great dancers

dreaming of pirouettes and dark romancers,

tutu in pink with her silk shoes to match

'Googie' was sure to be 'Ballet World's catch!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved



Wrong Number

I got the call at half past two

just who it was I've not a clue,

the voice seemed strange and quite unreal

a very disconcerting feel.


Maybe she'd got the number wrong

they didn't hang around that long,

a jumbled mass of words came out

that culminated in a shout.


I could not place the voice at all

it ripped the phone right off the wall,

expletives whizzing through my ears

awakening within great fears.


I did not understand a word

of what was said, seemed quite absurd,

my name was not a 'Gladys Nidd'

who owed some person fifty quid.


With more expletives ringing clear

I'd had as much as I could hear,

so with applomb and hearty wack

returned the said reciever back.


I must confess before all that

I shouted out-'You stupid bat!'


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

'Streak' of Lightning (Pig on a Bike)

He rides through the night like a banshee possessed

complete with his helmet and thick leather vest,

with hooves full down hard curving deep round the bend

no time for hello's just a grunt 'goodbye friend'.


With fuel to burn you will find him hard pressed

forget about safety and passing the test,

he's been there and done it forget about that

squashed many a hedgehog squidged many a cat.


Lock all of the windows and bolt every door

this isn't some lightweight,we're talking wild boar!

Yes sir this is something to rattle your chain

a pig on a bike that has gone quite insane!


Best stay safe indoors until he's had his fun

when peacefulness comes you will know that he's done,

he's still got his 'L' plates he won't let you take 'em

you can't muscle in on this mean piece of bacon!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

They say Max is a heartless beast

his love he never shows,

but I for one think otherwise

I've seen the highs and lows.


He eats young girls at breakfast time

or so some people think,

but underneath that steely smile

there lies a hidden chink.


Our Max once overstepped the mark

a young heart he had won,

some high class girl called Cynthia

who had her own shot-gun.


Max set his cap and woo'ed the girl

all of his tricks he tried,

until young Cyn' saw through his ruse

found out that he had lied.


The bullet only scratched his arm

the warning was enough,

for he was caught canoodling

flagrancy-in the buff!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Bottom (maintainance of statues)

I've done this job for forty years

sometimes it's brought blood sweat and tears,

it helps if you're not scared of heights

and working where there are no lights.


One mate of mine did have a go

but he contracted virtigo,

you have to be a certain bloke

to overcome the gibe and joke.


When you tell people what you do

they shake their heads with not a clue,

they cannot understand you see

how complex these strange jobs can be.


My favourite is 'Number 2'

it was the first I had to do,

this job gives me a certain pride

and to this end I do confide....


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved



Mysterious Techi

He came to mend the our modem

that was six hours ago,

never came to coffee break

he did seem rather slow.

Said he knew his way around

we haven't seen him since,

a brown beard and spectacles

goes by the name of Vince...


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

My New Friend


I have a new friend come to stay

when time allows we sit and play,

he helps me with my muddled mind

to all of my mistakes is kind.


He's neat compact and always there

to help support correct and share,

for me he's opened 'vistas' new

with oh so many things to do.


He's coming on our holidays'

to help me with my current craze,

he thinks I'm giving him a rest

but he will work at my request.


So many hours we spend alone

and he has such a happy tone,

a cheerful face ready to please

can't wait to give his mouse a squeeze.


There's magic between me and him

he always goes out on a limb,

partners in rhyme we aim to be

my happy laptop friend and me.



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved



Fighting the Flab

What is this thing called flab

that insists on spilling out,

over the tops of trousers

pushing my skin further out?

Why is this girdle strangling

the parts I cannot feel?

And the bum I see in the mirror

it has skin like orange peel.

Beneath the eyes are bags

eye make-up can't conceal

everything on me sags

at times I feel unreal.

On with the old face mask

wrinkles we have to blight,

maybe they'll dissappear -

or my bod gives up the fight

The bath sheet won't tuck in,

it rebels and falls to the floor,

my hubby has seen my reflection,

and slams right into the door!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


It suits you this it suits you that

why don't you try this purple hat?

wrong size you say? too bad old chum

 the larger one shows off your bum?

mmm..I see, maybe it does

it sort of gives your boobs a buzz

try this not that ugh- far too flat

(I wouldn't put this on the cat)

these trousers really trim the thighs

oh dear it's definately not your size

too high too low too tight too loose

(you're feeling like a trussed up goose)

perhaps that is a wee bit small

alas- you're overweight after all!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Ode to Elt'

Don't have another tantrum Elt'

your public really love you.

Your anger can be truly felt,

so please don't steam and stew.

Just grin and wave the way you can,

you know it's not that hard.

Don't be a prima donna Elt'

you're always such a card.

Please resist from throwing

that zoom lens in the sea.

Your yacht will soon be going,

sipping bubbly you will be.

So clear that frown from off your face,

give us that well known grin.

Kick that ball back into base,

just take it on the chin.(s)

Don't have another blue fit Elt'

you know it makes us laugh.

Forget the paparazzi Elt'

could I have your autograph....?




© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

My Tribe

There are some people that I know

I met them quite some time ago,

I work with them in a library

where every day is a 'cup of tea'.

They are well appreciated believe you me

compliments they fly fast and free,

a charm that cannot be denied

leaving each customer satisfied.

But a line is drawn over overdue books

(oh- the noisy schoolkids and sour looks,)

now looky here you Rayleigh crowd

there is one thing that is allowed.

That is to wish you a Merry Chris'

complete with holly and dear old mis',

so push those sweets and cakes, imbibe,

and give three cheers for the Rayleigh Tribe.

Hooray for the Sue's and Helen so sweet

And Graeme and Brian with his clothes so neat,

Anita, Linda, and Simon our boss

without Kerr's jokes we would be at a loss!

Hooray for Nicole our Flemish Miss

For 'Avon' Dawn-and oh- this list!

Lesley,Ginny and J. Tuttlebee

Oh- and last but not least- all right then-ME.




© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved



Dear sister I miss yer and that aint no lie

my eyes are all blisters from tears that I cry

it's no good debatin' I'm statin' a fact

sooner or later you gotta come back.


I'm writtin' while bitin' my pen 'til it leaks

it's most diconcertin' when somebody speaks

perhaps you'll be home maybe then you wont be

too late to delight in our mum's lovely tea.


Dear sis it's such bliss when you're home you're a mate

it's just mum's such a chum but she's broken a plate

so how can I listen to my Liszt and Brahms

when down in the kitchen she's raising alarms?


Asking non-stop

what's the name of some 'pop'. 

Sister return

for you I do yearn

forget your sunburn

 pack up your case

cos home you must race


(tomorrow we're having roast lamb -with mint sauce-tee hee )  


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Clockwise Likewise

You didn't contact me at one

so I stayed in with dad and mum

and though the atmosphere was numb

we watched TV and acted dumb.


You didn't phone me up at two

you didn't miss much-we had stew

I tried later to e-mail you

but in the end I'd not a clue.


Again I tried to phone at three

but heaven knows where you could be

I tried to speak to your friend Jean

but she was nowhere to be seen.


At last you called at just gone four

I heard you banging on the door

I thought dad would lay down the law

but he slept through without a snore.


Next day we met at half past five

and from my work I had to skive

if mum knew she'd skin me alive

perhaps I'd better learn to drive.


We had a meal at half past six

a stately one of fish and chips

I paid the bill you left the tips

with four more inches on my hips


I can't remember chimes of seven

I must have been way up in heaven.

I bid goodnight to you at eight

perched dangerously over the garden gate


My clothes messed up and feeling faint

it had been covered in wet paint.

I went to sleep at half past nine

a nagging ache attacked my spine.


 I felt like I was going blind

so to the brandy I resigned.

I fell asleep at faithful ten

after the chimes of old Big Ben


I didn't think they'd ring again

so for asprins I had a yen.

I floated from eleven to twelve

all mundane thoughts I tried to shelve


how long I slept I couldn't tell but when we meet-whisper-DON'T YELL!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

First Pay Day

Dear Mum, This money means a lot,

so just to show you're not forgot,

I therefore pledge my first four quid,

(and somehow wish I never did!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


I shall never marry

forever I will tarry

alone and single minded

to wander unabounded.

Through endless days of rainbows

to see how high each star grows

to laugh at silver moonbeams

and really know what life means,

no kitchen sink for me

no mouths demanding tea

no ironing clothes

no-none of those

the single life for me!


(me and my big mouth!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Sleepy St. Nic'

Sleepy Santa, what a day,

travelled such a long, long way.

Now at last to be alone,

with your grandson,safe at home.

Dreams of smiling, happy faces,

from all corners and all places.

Dreams come true, for young and old,

games to play, soft toys to hold.

Oh, what joy you give to those,

rewarded now in sweet repose.

Bless you Santa,as you sleep,

bless the baby, in your keep.


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Santa's Little Helper

Dear Santa, as you read this note,

you'll probably just sit, and gloat,

about your hol', that is to come,

and that small island, in the sun.

But spare a thought, for little Hil',

who'll have to turn her hand, to skill,

domestic chores my work to do,

while you bathe in a sea of blue,

Spare just one thought, for those you leave,

and think of them, but do not grieve,

a postcard, will do very well,

and break up the domestic spell.

Think of us here, as we will you,

for I'll be standing in some queue,

waiting, for that leg of lamb,

or slices of delicious ham.

Salad for the reindeers' course,

though Rudolph, might show me remorse.

I'll roll my sleeves up, draw one breath,

and groom those reindeers to the death.

I'll iron your pants, and darn your socks,

and keep an eye on all those clocks!

I'll make sure postman isn't late,

and remember to oil that squeaky gate.

While I clear up the food and crumbs,

nursing battered hands, and thumbs,

think on these things, Santa my dear,

cos when you get back, I'll still be here!!

(and the reindeer!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Bath Bombed

I never read when I ablute for fear I may immerse

the stuff that I am reading, be it rhyme or odd free verse.

My bath bombs fizz away as I surround myself in steam,

and try to snatch some 'me' time, maybe grab a casual dream.

My bath is very big you see and very slidey too,

so all my bits and pieces are kept strictly out of view.

Sometimes I'm interrupted and they usually meet their doom,

because I am too loath to fight and give up precious room.

On very rare occassions I relinquish half my space,

because I cannot stand the disappointment on his face.

I try to doze and let the smells engulf my tired head,

before I know what's hit me I've missed tea-it's time for bed.

So bathtime in this house is very difficult for me,

to know that I have time in hand and be completely free.

I do keep pad and pen beside the soapy shower gel,

is that my muse a-ringing? Oh no, it's that bloody door-bell !!!!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

North Versus South

We've fallen out, I don't know why,

a few harsh words were said.

It only was a little lie,

but now she wants me dead!


A mere flirtation that was all,

another paramour.

But now she doesn't even call,

adieu to sweet amour.


I wish I could zip up my mouth,

how could I be so dim?

She's in the north I'm in the south,

right out here on a limb!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

These boobies I have can be truly annoying,

they get in the way and are really quite cloying,

when I'm on my back I forget that they're hiding,

it's when I sit up and they go slippy sliding.

At keep-fit they wobble and zoom in directions,

and in next to no time they lose all affections,

all sweaty and sticky and most unattractive,

especially when I get vibrantly active.

I think when I die I'll donate them to doctors,

or maybe for cushions in big helicopters,

if I get to heaven I'll need to be lighter,

my hands will be able to reach the typewriter.

So anyone out there adhere to my pleading,

these 36D's you must sorely be needing!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

I Don't

She knew it hadn't felt right when she heard him say 'I do',

her lace dress scratched, the ring felt far too tight.

The speeches were a garbled rush, the faces all a blur,

and here they were, two strangers in the night.


They nver really knew the things that make each other tick,

and so a few months down the line they split up double quick.


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


Hello, I know, it's me again, you've heard this all before,

our library has a booksale to get bodies through the door.

As usual there is everything to suit all kinds of folk,

from beastly crime to sagas or a modern worth a poke.


A browse into a classic takes you back to way back when,

or maybe more adventure where the hero wins again.

All Mills and Boon's are waiting with undying love and bliss,

a steamy 'bodice ripper' you will never want to miss.


For those who like the factuals we have history through to golf,

some interesting art books with some paintings done by 'Rolf''.

If you are having trouble with the diy at home,

we have the Readers Digest-it is one amazing tome.


For kiddies there is 'Peek-a Boo' (which I've not finished yet),

our booksale starts next Tuesday for a week, so don't forget!!!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


I can't believe you said that, it was quite the wierdest joke,

I'm aching from this laughter, it's a wonder I don't choke,

we meet here on the corner and you always make me laugh,

a silly grin upon your face, that grotty mouldy scarf.


What would I do without your jokes to see me through the day?

I jot them in my notebook just in case you go away,

but here I am contented just to linger close to you,

don't ask me what the joke was cos I haven't got a clue!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


Here comes that number twenty-eight,

no need to get in such a state,

get down and boogie-celebrate,

it's birthday time again!


Unwrap those presents one, two, three,

I wonder what each one will be?

Let's all go on a spending spree,

it's birthday time again!


Good friends turn up to wish you well,

you're looking fine and feeling swell,

let's pop some corks -hey-kiss and tell,

it's birthday time again!


So raise our glasses from the one, who just remembers twenty-one!!!!!!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


Short and Sweet

Attention AP poets all,

from places faraway and small,

from Katmandu to London town,

The Pig and Whistle and The Crown,

I send this from the very depth,

to everywhere in width and breadth,

to outa space and inner room,

and all of those whose cars go vroom,

with clinking glass and shouting voice,

and those who really have no choice,

but sit and listen to this screed,

I have in me a wanton need

to spread good cheer and all that stuff,

so help me not these lines to fluff,

let's listen out for old Big Ben

and bid adieu to 2010,

come welcome in a brand New Year,

to bring us hope besides the beer,

let's hiccup loudly to 'Lang Syne'

and conga in a wobbly line,

link hands and shake the year away,

' cos 2011's on it's way,

now what was it I had to say,

to places small and far away?

Oh yes, I do remember now(hic),

so sorry for the awful row,

attention please and bend an ear,

unto this message loud and clear,

I wish you all the very best


now some wine's gone down me chest,

hiccups to all this blessed night

and promise not to get too tight

on booze and stuff and flashing bums

and being stupid with your chums,

oh gawd-how can I end this screed,

I'm finding very hard to read,

ding dong ding dong was that the clock

-excuse me have you seen my sock?

New Year is nearly round the bend,

so grab your mother or a friend,

and disco in to greet the year,

with crinkle chips and frothy beer,

and kisses splodged upon your cheek

- all washing's cancelled for the week,

I need to end this monster verse

which has been going from bad to worse,

please can I end this poem large,

for through the door I need to charge,

and get this down in time to send

before I'm driven round the bend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Week Away

Today we're off to Dorset

I'll fling away me corset

and brace myself for walkies

and animated talkies

with dog and hub in toe

to Dorset we will go

so see you in a week

dear AP's do not freak

for I will be back soon

before the next full moon


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Double Dedication

'Allo 'allo what's happening here,

TWO great occasions in one year?

Mon dieu mon dieu this cannot be-

I thought these guys were true to ME!

But off they go to meet their mate,

(I notice neither hesitate)!

To pastures new-or maybe not...

they know their partners quite a lot!

Adieu adieu Sir Brian the Bold,

I'll manage out here in the cold,

and as for you Sir Daring Dave,

I will endeavour to behave.

While you're immersed in vows and wine,

welcoming friends who stand in line,

oh-what the hell, it had to be,

you never really wanted me!

I'll pucker up to wish you well,

(if I am honest anyway,

this had to happen one fine day)

when each of you would tie the knot,

I guess your partners mean a lot.

Fond wishes and good luck you two,

I'll shut up now and join the queue!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


We are hanging on for dear life,

and there's something even sadder,

our  partner just got hungry,

and he took away the ladder!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Friday Night Clubbered

Friday night is special, cos the weekend's on it's way,

that's the time my mate and I decide it's time to play.

Kick the workday shoes off, polish up the old high heels,

place a pre-booked order for a plate of jellied eels.


Me and my mate Suzy meet up at the 'Pie and Mash',

give the blokes an eyeful and the verbal quite a bash.

Suzy's hair is tinted, in a kind of raspberry crush,

blouse is off the shoulder, but I really think she's lush.


Got me harem pants on, cos they give me lots of room,

when we hit the dance floor, it's like swinging on a boom.

Boogie 'til the small hours, well, until we get chucked out,

some yob usually slaps me then he gets a hefty clout.


Suzy's making coffee with a Tia Maria or two,

blokes are watching 'footie' but they haven't got a clue.

Cans of beer are popping and me crinkle chips are hot,

Suzy's in the bedroom with a Bouncer-

that's your lot!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Hilly's Pickle

I got in a pickle for ages today,

I hit on a problem that wont go away,

but two lovely people had patience and time

to help me, thus leaving me feeling sublime!


Many thanks Suz and Jeffkins!


Well at least some of it got sorted!!!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved


I never have been good at maths,

but less I've always thought,

is used with things you cannot simply count.

Like, less spaghetti, less red wine,

less 'Liquorice Allsort',

unless you want the fatty bits to mount!

When using the word fewer,

well, it works a different way,

you use it when you have the urge to count.

Like, fewer women, fewer men,

and fewer bills to pay,

not easy when you're paid a small amount!

So visit fewer places

and you will meet fewer folk,

don't try to count each face as they pass by.

Try visiting the shops,

where they say 'fifty per cent less',

present the bill to hubby-watch him cry!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Ode to In the Night Garden

Upsy Daisy Daisy do,

take your partner for a Tombliboo,

Iggle to the left then Piggle to the right,

do a Makka Pakka with all your might,

Upsy Daisy Daisy do,

cuddle and giggle with a big Haahoo,

Pinky to the left and Ninky to the right,

blow me lots of kisses, then say-'Goodnight'.


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Spiked Bike

There once was a cyclist called Phil,

who liked riding nude for a thrill,

he jumped on his bike, not seeing a spike,

you can hear his screams over the hill!




© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Sauced Santa

Santa's on the sauce again, he is such a loser,

all the reindeers are on strike, Donald, Blitz, and Bruiser,

what will all the kiddies do, if he does not show up?

Bloody Mary's just the thing,  perhaps he'll throw-up!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Hare of the Bunny

Such silly little bunnies, yes we went a step too far,

elixer fired my throat and then it glued me to the bar,

I reckon that is why we drank, rather a tad too much,

so pray excuse us now as we crawl back inside our hutch.


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Ducked Out

We are the ducks that got away, escaped the twisted neck,

so here we stand, reclined, sprawled out ,upon our vine-leafed deck,

among the finest fruits we lay, full bodied ruby wine,

we robbed you of a body, steeped in succulence divine!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

The Cure-Never Fails

Writers Block?


Here's what you do,

concentrate, forget the glue,

pour yourself a long stiff drink

just relax don't even think,

put your favourite singer on,

Me? I dig Van's 'He's Real Gone',

Jig around the room a bit,

groove down to the nitty-grit,

let the music do the trick,

don't spin round, you might be sick,

take a swig, go with the flow

suddenly a word will grow,

like a tiny little seed,

just a taste is all you need,

take it from someone who knows,

took three days to touch my toes,

things are clear now words are back,

but head feels like a heart-attack.


Writers Block?




© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Just Me

My proper name is Hilary, but people call me Hilly,

and those that know me well will say that I am rather silly,

my eyes are sort of bluey-grey depending how they're feeling,

and when I make them up for work they really look appealing,

my hair is fashioned pixie-cut in various shades of blonde,

the ears I have are a slightly small but quite quick to respond,

my nose is small, I like to think, inherant from my father,

a mouth that has a cupid bow, for that I am glad rather,

I'm 5'5 and curvy and the workouts keep me trim,

I like to wear enhancing tops and materials that skim,

I love things soft and lovable (try loving those that aren't),

my mother always taught, me that there's no such word as can't,

I have a love of music, penciled figures I can draw,

sometimes I play piano, (but I have to close the door),

I have an elder sister and her name is 'Linda(lou)',

we see each other now and then, when we have less to do,

I have a friend called Sunshine(Suz), who brought me to AP,

and I can think of nowhere else - no finer place to be,

I have a brand new family, with many clever friends,

the list of names defeats me and my praise just never ends,

so there you have a picture of me, Hilly 'moonbumps' poet,

there's lots more I could talk about but if I did I'd blow it!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

The Truth About Men

So you want to know the truth about men,

have you got the time from years one to ten?

The first time you meet, is sweetness and light,

canoodles and kisses and fondest goodnight,

soft words are spoken, a wedding date planned,

adorning your finger that bright silver band,

before you know it, you are whisked away,

to a honeymoon heaven, a one night stay,

the first home you have, is a dream come true,

everything perfectly shiney and new,

then you discover, left up toilet lids,

suspect magazines and mystery vids,

soiled underwear lurking beneath the bed,

stacked dirty plates from a belly well fed,

forgotten dates, that to you mean a lot,

constantly tidying up all their grot,

the truth about men dear is so plain to see,

they'll never be what we all want them to be!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Over My Dead Body! (Dedication to the site AllPoetry)

I think if AP ceased to be, I'd go and climb the highest tree,

my voice would bellow loud and clear, they'd hear it in Slombodia.

My tears would fall and cause a flood, for poetry is my life's blood,

my AP friends would be no more, and such a thought I do abhor.

I'd walk around with a long face, to find something to fill the space,

there is no life after AP, our words are treasured pearls to me.

A world without true poetry, is like a cup without it's tea,

indeed, how could we all exist, without our steadfast contest list?

I'll block the thought out from my mind, AP will never be resigned,

we'll stand together come what may, 'All Poetry' is here to stay!


© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved

Doctor Bear

Sorry that you're feelin' down,

guess who's flown right into town,

Doctor Brown the 'Get Well' bear,

have you sorted fair and square,

lots of hugs and kisses too,

fresh straight out her bag to you,

T.L.C. is was you need

yes this bears's a friend indeed,

you'll be fine so have no fear,

Doctor Brown is always near,

always there to reassure,

feel the strength come from her paw,

keep her with you day and night, tuck you up in bed real tight,

we'll be thinking of you there, with your darling Doctor bear!!



© HILLY KENDRICK. All rights reserved